It’ll be six months tomorrow. I promised you that one day you’d see this:

 

I’ve gotten over thinking about what happened repeatively. Though sometimes the weight of it sits on my chest, approximately where my heart should be, it weighs more than most things I try to forget. What was it about those few weeks? That keeps me coming back to them, something strange and taboo; some of the things that just happen to certain people? Who would have guessed I’d become another girl you slept with, and you were that one beautiful mistake I made that September. Who between us had the foresight to see it all?

 

I still can remember the first moment I saw you, that exact second in my life. Your hands were busy with something illicit, your big bright eyes flashing wildly at me, even then you were so careless, yet somehow so purposeful you seemed to me. I’d like to believe I meant more than what I inevitably turned into. A nameless face, a once upon a time, a girl from that one town, somewhere there lodged between the others. I’d like to believe I mattered in some fashion no matter how small. That I at least got an honorable mention in your book of life, much like the nod in mine you’re getting right now.

 

Initially I was some black haired girl that you always marveled at, you made sad comparisons between us that always made me feel uncomfortable; about your upbringing your parents, your life, your mind. I remember when I took you home with me; you saw my mom’s house and said aloud, “I’m ashamed.” Those words still sound off in this fucked up head of mine sometimes. You couldn’t figure out why I was speaking to you, I guess I still don’t have the answer for you. Maybe I thought I could save you; give you stability, something of a chance. I think I was wrong; you never wanted any of that did you Zach?

 

You were this blue eyed boy that I loved instantly.  Not at all in the pity sense, but I loved you as all dark things are to be loved, in quietly and in secret, you were such a train wreck to me. I remember your beat up right hand, mad at something you couldn’t control, something you Leo’s have imbedded in you. I loved your big laugh and the fact you are the polar opposite of me in every sense. It’s still funny to me how many things I can look back happily on even the times you made me furious can still make me smile.

 

I think it’s crazy that for whatever reason you entered and exited my life, I’m thankful for it ultimately. I can say honestly I’m glad we crossed paths, if only for this weird combination of fondness and resentment I now have, I still appreciate all of it. It’s still nice to say I knew you once. Not only a question about the reasons or because you made me feel valuable at one time, or the fact that all of these memories might now be useless to me. Much like the way I am to you.

 

 

I can only hope you understand what I mean.

zach_11

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